Its not you, its me


Jeremy_Hunt_S4C_October_2010_DearJohn_01I’ve been married for about eight years and there’s definitely some conclusions that I’ve come to. The biggest one thing I came to realize is that it doesn’t matter who you’re married to. You can be married to Jim Carrey or Channing Tatum and even though they might be funny or good-looking at a certain point you are going to be sick and tired of being around them. This goes both ways. This is a hard concept for many people to realize because they are with that person so much, but that is kind of the reality.

Within your marriage there are two people two distinct people who have their own set of issues. The other person is not going to complete them, there is no fairy tale ending because this is not what marriage is all about. It’s two people bringing all their issues, insecurities and life experiences into a relationship. All these play massive factors in how they behave towards one another. I know people say the number one reason for divorce is finances but I would argue it’s that you get tired of being around the other person.

Once you accept the fact that you’re going to get tired of being around the other person or that you’re not always going to like them, then you can move on. But unfortunately that’s a very difficult issue to deal with. I’ve discovered this in my own marriage and I’ve seen this so often other people’s marriages too. People will say things like, “Well they’ve emotionally checked out” or “They don’t want to be around me.” That’s true, however a lot of times that’s on them and you are not the one that’s causing this. When you initially got married there were reasons that you got married, you enjoyed being around each other, enjoyed talking with each other, enjoyed going places with each other and so on. This person has not inherently changed and if you accepted that then you’d realize that you still enjoy that about them. But you’ve done a lot of the stuff together, 24 hours a day and you are bored and kind of tired of being with them. How do you overcome these pitfalls within a marriage?

So before you decide to run off and get divorced or have an affair or whatever it is you want to go do. Please think hard about this concept, is it you or is it the other person that’s causing this? Most likely the reason is you, you don’t want to be around this person because they’re boring and being around for 24 hours a day in dealing with them every single day is just not exactly conducive to having a good relationship. Even, your best friend would not want to be around you over 24 hours a day. Unfortunately, we have this expectations of marriage and now you’re going to bed together, your grocery shopping together, your eating together and so on. This relationship is difficult to keep up how do you deal with this is largely up to you. But it is very important to sit down with the other person and have an honest discussion about being around them all the time. Tell them, I grow tired of being around you 24 hours a day, it’s not you it is me who is dealing with this. Once they accept this even though it might hurt it may make them realize that they may feel the same way towards you. This may provide you with the ability to start dealing with the other issues that arise out of this central issue.

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